Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
