doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
