she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
