she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
