i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
