Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
