can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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