You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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