Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
