hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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