your parents love me but you hate me
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Found the puke drawer
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
