We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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