Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize