Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
