i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
