If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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