Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
