When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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