I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
