So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
