remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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