You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
