My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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