Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
