Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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