so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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