Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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