I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
