just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A+ Viking dick
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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