I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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