My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
