Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I need to calm my uterus...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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