omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
