he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
