Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
