i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
