What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
