I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
