I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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