I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
