Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
