she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
