Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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