Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
