and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
