Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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