Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
