Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
