K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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