my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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