I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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