I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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