I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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