Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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