Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
