At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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