I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
