The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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