last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
