Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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