This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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