Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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