if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
