Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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