I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
FUCK WHALES
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
