hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
