when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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