At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
