listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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