I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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